Signs a Family Caregiver Is Burning Out, and How to Help

What family caregivers take on

Family caregivers take on a lot. They're the daughters, sons and spouses caring for a parent or loved one, often for years, and most of what they do goes unseen.

In my experience, they're often so committed to the person they're caring for that they stop looking after themselves. They're so busy taking care of their parent or loved one that they don't eat or sleep well, and they miss their own appointments. It's quite a burden.

Many families in Maine are doing this. AARP estimates that about 310,000 people here care for an adult family member or friend, and nearly 1 in 4 caregivers nationally say they struggle to look after their own health because of it.

What they do matters, and they deserve support too.

Why burnout is easy to miss

Burnout happens gradually. When you're caring for a parent or loved one day after day, the stress and tiredness build up a little at a time, until they start to feel normal. I don't think most people who are caring for a loved one even realize they're burned out. They're so busy taking care of someone else that they don't notice what it's doing to them. It often takes a friend or someone close to them to see it in the way they're acting.

Signs to look for

In my experience, burnout shows up first in a caregiver's mood. They get stressed and worn out, and some become sad or depressed. It can show up in other ways too. Some caregivers worry all the time, get irritated or angry easily, or lose interest in things they used to enjoy.

A caregiver may be less available than they used to be. They may not want to talk as much, or they're too busy. When you do talk, they may seem stressed. They may talk only about the person they're caring for, or about how they can't get anything done. They may have been up all night.

Many stay isolated because they're busy or tired, and when they have downtime, they want to sit in silence or do nothing.

Mayo Clinic's list of caregiver stress signs also includes physical signs, like frequent headaches or other pains, gaining or losing weight, and sleeping too much or too little.

How to talk to a caregiver you’re worried about

How a caregiver responds depends on their personality. Generally it works best to come to them as someone who wants to help. If you approach from a position of power, as though you're criticizing them, it usually doesn't go over well.

Most caregivers are doing everything they can for the person they're caring for, so anything that sounds like a judgment of how they're handling it can sting. Start by recognizing how much they're carrying. Talk about what you've noticed in them, like how tired or stretched they seem, rather than about the care they're giving. Then listen. They may need to say how hard it's been before they're ready to talk about help.

I wouldn't raise your concern while they're in the middle of caregiving and stressed out. See if you can get them away for an afternoon to talk. Arranging respite for that afternoon can make it possible.

It helps to come with something specific to offer, like taking over some of the cooking or cleaning, so the conversation is about help and not about what they're doing wrong.

Don't expect them to agree right away. Since most caregivers don't realize they're burned out, it may take more than one conversation. Keep checking in, and keep the offer open.

What you can do to help

Caregivers rarely ask for help, even when they need it, so offers work best when they're specific. In my experience, even taking the house cleaning and cooking off a family caregiver's plate can help. Those are the jobs that pile up when every day goes to looking after someone else, and having them done gives a caregiver back a little time and energy for themselves.

A few things you could take off their plate:

• Cooking a few meals, or dropping off dinner once a week
• House cleaning or laundry
• Grocery shopping and errands, like picking up prescriptions
• Yard work, mowing or shoveling snow
• Driving their parent or loved one to appointments
• Sitting with their parent or loved one so they can take a walk, see a friend or get to their own appointment
• Looking after pets

Small things add up. Ask which would help most, then follow through. A specific offer is much easier to say yes to than an open-ended one.

Sometimes a caregiver needs a longer stretch away. Respite care means someone else takes over the care for a while, whether that's an aide coming to the home, a day program for older adults, or a short stay at a facility. That break can help both the caregiver and the person they care for. It gives the caregiver a chance to sleep, see their own doctor, or rest, knowing the person they love is looked after. Time away can also show a caregiver how worn out they've been. Once they've had a real break, they can often feel for themselves what you've been seeing.

If the person being cared for needs more help

Sometimes burnout is a sign that the care has grown beyond what one person can give. A parent or loved one may need help through the night, more hands-on care, or someone there most of the day. When that happens, it's more than one caregiver can keep up with, however much they love the person they're caring for.

Getting more help is a way of making sure the person is well cared for and the caregiver can keep going. It might mean regular home care a few days a week, so the caregiver isn't doing it alone, or it might mean a move to assisted living. Either way, it lets the caregiver go back to being a daughter, son or spouse, and not only a caregiver. Our guide to deciding between home care and assisted living can help you think it through.

Help near Bangor

Beyond what friends and family can do, there are local programs in the Bangor area that support family caregivers directly:

• Eastern Area Agency on Aging, Brewer: information and assistance, support groups, a four-hour dementia training, and a respite program that helps pay for care for a person with dementia. Call 207-941-2865 and ask what you qualify for.
• Alzheimer's Association helpline: free, confidential support all day and night for families caring for someone with dementia, plus caregiver support groups in the Brewer and Orono areas and online. Call 1-800-272-3900.
• Aging and Disability Resource Center: if your loved one doesn't have dementia, the statewide line at 1-877-353-3771 connects you with your local Area Agency on Aging and its caregiver programs.
• 211 Maine: dial 211 to be connected with services anywhere in Maine.
• Maine Home Care Guide directory: find home care agencies by town to compare options for respite or more regular help.

Caregivers can call any of these themselves, and so can family or friends who want to find out what's available. Some are free, and the others can tell you what you might qualify for.

If professional help is in your budget, even a few hours of respite now and then can give a caregiver a real break. We offer respite, with visits of at least four hours. To see how home care is paid for, including programs that may help with the cost, see the Maine Home Care Guide on paying for home care. If you'd like to talk through what would work for your family, contact us.

If you're ever worried that a caregiver might hurt themselves, or they talk about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It's free and confidential, and you can call about someone else. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.