What to Do When Your Parent Says No to Help at Home

If your parent has said no to help at home, that happens with almost everyone we talk to. People are afraid of losing their autonomy and the ability to care for themselves, and pride is part of it, too.

How to bring it up with your parent

When you bring it up, approach it with curiosity. Ask your parent how their days at home are going, and whether anything has been hard, so you understand how they see things.

If they're not seeing it, calmly and lovingly tell them what you're observing from your perspective, without being judgmental or harsh. If you're not sure how to describe what you're seeing, our guide on how to know when a loved one needs help at home goes through the common signs.

People are generally pretty opposed at first. When we told a member of my own family that we thought they were unsafe at home and needed help, they'd say maybe they'd think about it, or that they didn't want people in their home disrupting their schedule. Then they kept falling and hurting themselves, and eventually they realized they needed the care too. They had to see it for themselves.

When to give it time, and when to keep trying

As long as your parent can make their own decisions, you can't force them to accept help they absolutely refuse. How persistent to be depends on how safe they are.

If it's still the early stages, and they're having a harder time cleaning the house, cooking or getting to the store, or life seems overwhelming, you can let time pass before you bring it up again. Let them notice it for themselves. In the meantime, gently remind them what having someone else around the house could do for them. You might say something like, Hey Mom, if you had somebody around here more, they could help you with those piles of laundry, or get your shelves dusted, or take you to your appointments.

It's different once their safety is at risk, when they're falling and having to call the ambulance to get them up off the floor, or neglecting themselves, not eating and losing weight. That's the time to try other ways to help them buy in, such as bringing in their doctor or another provider they trust.

Asking someone outside the family to raise it

Sometimes it matters who tells your parent they need help. An older adult may be much more willing to hear it from a doctor or another provider of some kind than from their family, because that person is a third party without any bias. If your parent has a doctor or another provider they trust, it may be worth asking them to raise it.

How to start if they agree but are still hesitant

Even once your parent agrees to try help, they may still be hesitant. That's when it helps to ease in slowly. Ask the agency or caregiver to start with one or two days a week, so your parent can get comfortable with a small amount of help, then build from there as they're ready and as their safety needs. Ask for a caregiver with experience in situations like this, who won't be offended if your parent isn't happy to have them there. If your parent gets agitated about having a caregiver in the home, ask the agency to cut back the hours or days, or to try a different caregiver. The Maine Home Care Guide's questions to ask a home care agency can help you find one that fits.

If your parent is in danger and still says no

If your parent is in danger right now, call 911. If you're worried they can no longer meet their own basic needs because of an illness or impairment, Maine's Adult Protective Services takes reports of self-neglect any time of day at 1-800-624-8404, or online.

Who has the final say

In the end, whether to accept help is up to your parent, or to their health care agent if they can no longer make their own decisions. A health care agent is the person named in an advance directive, sometimes called a health care power of attorney, to make health care decisions for someone who can't. As long as your parent can make their own decisions, those decisions are theirs, including refusing care, even if they've named an agent.

In Maine, unless the directive says otherwise, a health care agent starts deciding only after your parent's doctor or a court determines they can't decide for themselves. If no one has been named, doctors turn to close family for many health care decisions, but for others the family may need to go to court for guardianship or conservatorship, which can be expensive and take a long time. Legal Services for Maine Elders gives free legal advice to Mainers 60 and over on these questions, at 1-800-750-5353.

If you'd like to talk through what you're seeing with your parent, you're welcome to get in touch.